Ode to my leatherman

Oh leatherman, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways:

– Shiny, stainless steel; a kiss of iron wool and you are good as new again.

– Velco; still crisp, not a bit of fuzz. Never open when I want you closed

– Switchblade; always sharp, though I neglect you so. Happily you cut my salami, and my flagging ribbon when the plastic scissors have run away again.

– Scissors; hard to pry open, sometimes I wish you were tweezers, but never when there are stipules to be cut, in one dainty neat line.

– Flathead screwdriver; the GPS needs its batteries replaced. Thank god you are here, these South African coins are far too thick to fit the casing slot. 

– Jagged tooth saw; you look so fearsome, yet you are perfect for cutting away loose threads. Who would have known the back of you could turn the tiny screws of the flux device?

– Metal pick; some idiot thought it a good idea to miniaturize the installation CD. Why? WHY? In God’s name WHY? There is no IT department here, so you shall help me unstick it from my laptop instead.

(Oh, and help me kill this tick.)

– Philips head screwdriver; “Do you have a screwdriver?” the game guard asked, when the Kudu Kops decal fell between the car window and the panel of the door. I do indeed, good sir. Step aside, and I shall dismantle this metal plating post haste.

…So that is what it looks like, on the inside of a car door.

– Smaller flathead; the RH readings are too high. Please help me open the porometer head, so that we may change the desiccant.

– Engraved ruler, in imperial and metric; Leatherman, prepare for your photoshoot. I have lost the ruler, and have need of scale in these SLA photographs.

– Plier blades; what are you not useful for? Twig collections, thorn trimming, acacia bush clearing, breaking into locked cars—please come sit here, and never leave my side.

– Case; simple, inconspicuous, reserved, I should have lost you a thousand times over. But each time I find you again. It was meant to be.

– Metal file; the car will not start. Oh dear, the car will not start. First, let us file away the grime on the battery nodes, to ensure we have a good connection.

-Pliers; it is not the battery nodes, so we must replace the battery to see if the problem is there. These maintenance guys seem to be struggling, none of their tools can get a good grip. Excuse me, but maybe I could offer… Look at you little Leatherman pliers! Changing the battery all on your own!

– Leatherman handle; it is not the battery, we shall have to tow the car into town, on our own of course, because we are too cheap to pay for a tow truck. Help me ratchet this rope tighter, yes thank you, I will do more hand exercises when I get home.

(Don’t worry leatherman, it was the starter that was at fault, nothing you could have done there.)

– Can opener; you are a puzzle in this modern world, I have not used you yet. But someday I know I will be glad that you were there.


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